If you have any plans this holiday season to get together with friends or family, or in-laws in particular, this episode is for you.
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Welcome to the Breakthrough Mastermind Show. I'm your host Jen Argue, and I facilitate masterminds for women entrepreneurs who want to grow their businesses to help others and create financial independence.
I am extra excited today to have Dr. Kristin Barnhart with us today. She is a psychologist and a marriage coach. And she is also one of my best friends from grad school way back in the day. Welcome, Kristin. I'm so glad you're here. Oh, I'm so happy to be here and to be with you. Yes. So we met way back in like 1990, I think it was when we were in grad school together. Yeah. The nineties. Yeah. And what is so important to me with having Kristin on the show today is that she has a specialty that we both studied when we were in grad school, and she has continued to use it in her practice. And Kristin, why don't you tell us a little bit about what that specialty is and why it's so special?
Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you again. So I love specializing in solution-focused therapy or coaching, depending on which one I'm doing. During grad school, I was introduced to lots of different ways of doing therapy, as you know, Jen, and the one that really made sense to me was the one that focused on solutions rather than spending a long time in somebody's problems because some seasoned therapists noticed that when that shift started when a therapy session moved from dwelling on the nuances of a problem to actually talking about the solutions.
That's when the transformation happened. So when I start off a session, start off therapy, listening to the problems, but helping the client like retrain themselves to thinking about solutions and their strengths, that helps to accelerate healing and reduce suffering. And it really speeds up the process of healing too.
Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. And not in a bypassing sort of way, but in a way that really capitalizes on the strengths that already exist. Right, right. Oftentimes people have already experienced like tastes and you know, parts of the solution they're aiming for. So if they just like do more of what worked, even if it was just a little bit.
Mm-hmm. , like it makes such a big difference. Mm-hmm. And what we both know is that it's really hard to see those things in ourselves. Oh, right. For sure. Yeah. And so having somebody there to help draw it out and see those things that we can't see ourselves is where the magic is in having an outside person come in to help.
Like a psychologist or marriage coach. Yeah, exactly. And I just love, you know, when I started grad school I knew I wanted to do like the family and marriage track. I just love the energy and the challenge of having two people in the room and like, you know, doing therapy that way. I also learned in grad school, that it really only takes one person in the couple to make an impact on the whole relationship.
Mm-hmm. , like for example, think about like when your partner or your spouse. Like when you reunite at the end of a day, like you're coming back together, and let's say typically when you get back together, you're asking the person like, Hey, did you do that errand for me on your way home from work? And here's our schedule for the evening.
And so and so-called, like, just kind of like all these tasks and errands that you're talking about. What if you just liked the one person like gave the other person a warm smile? And a long hug, like when you first came back together at the end of a day like that would make a big difference. And that's just one person in the relationship making a change that affects both people.
Yes. I feel like those small changes are so underrated. Right, but we kind of get in a dance, don't we? Where we have our routines, we have our typical ways of doing things, and we also have our assumptions. Mm-hmm. ...of, you know, if I do this, then this will definitely happen. Mm-hmm. But we don't always know that, do we?
Right. So the power of changing one thing and being open to what could happen, especially if that one thing is a positive thing like you just mentioned. Yeah. Yeah. And like for some of these things, we're just one person is making the change. I encourage my clients to do some of these positive changes.
Even if they don't totally feel like it, like even if they don't have those warm, fuzzy feelings yet to just try to do something loving or caring like it'll catch the other person maybe off guard if it's not kind of your usual pattern these days. But it can like shake things loose to make a change. Mm-hmm. To open the door to more positive changes.
Yes, exactly. Which can create like a positive upward spiral. Exactly, right? Oh, that is amazing. And. I love that you have this resource that you are offering for free to people, and I'll have the link in the show notes about keeping your intimacy with your partner as you go visit the in-laws for the holiday. [laughs]
Tell me more about that, because I think that it's very timely and I would love for more people to know about it. So can you share a little bit of that with us? Oh, I would love to. So there's like a before, during, and after. Okay. So like before you visit with, uh, your in-laws, or maybe it's even your own family or certain friend, you know, like whoever it is before visiting with them, have a conversation with your spouse to see if any of you feel any anxiety or irritability or sadness about the visit.
And then after you both have like, take your turns in talking about that, make a plan to support each other during the visit. And it could be like, you know, have a certain word where if one of you says it like you just take a break, you know, go for a short walk together or you know, whatever... the plan is you make it, but you know ahead of time what might be making you feel anxious, sad, or irritable.
Then during the visit, oh, this is so important, prioritize at least five minutes at the beginning and the end of the day to connect with each other, just the two of you, and get realigned on whatever might be coming up in the conversation swirling during the day. Like, make sure that you're aligned and connected at the beginning and the end of the day, of the day, at least.
Mm. And then after your visit, process with each other. Like make, have an intentional conversation on the way home or when you get home to talk about what went well, like what worked well for you guys and what you wanna do differently next time so that each time it gets more, that you stay closer and closer each time because you're kind of tweaking it each time.
Absolutely, I can see how those things would make such a huge difference and help you not only to get through it in a better way but to feel more intimate and closer because of it. Right. Totally. What I like about it to Kristin, is that you are giving us a framework. For how to go about this. And so if somebody were to take this framework that you just gave us. And say to their partner, I have this framework that this psychologist recommended.
She's also a marriage coach, and would you wanna try this with me? Mm-hmm. . So it doesn't feel like it's necessarily their idea, like somebody, you know, maybe pushing their own idea into a relationship, but it's more like something that somebody else who's an expert is suggesting and it's like steps they can follow.
And so they just follow those steps and do it together. And when they're doing it in that way, they can customize it to how... however it works for them. Maybe they might even want to go extra and say, Hey, for these five minutes, either at the beginning or the end of the day, maybe we just make a run to the coffee shop and we have a quick little coffee together.
Yeah. You know, at the beginning or end. And maybe even before you leave and you know, after the event. Yeah. Yes. Or you go out for a drink or whatever it's, but you... All right ...you make it your own. You make it your own. Exactly. Whoever's listening to this, please let me know if you are going to try this or if you did try this because I would love to know how it worked for you, and I'm sure Kristin would too, and I would pass it on to Kristin for sure.
It reminds me, Kristin, of this other program that you have developed for couples, which is called "The Marriage Reset." Mm-hmm. And It is so exciting because it's another program that you are doing the heavy lifting of coming up with the right topics and the right questions to ask about them to build couples up.
Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Oh, I would love to. So the marriage reset is where I use my coaching, the couple's coaching. So that can be for people anywhere and everywhere. I offer the marriage reset to help marriages that are struggling right now. So I wanna provide tools so that couples can be closer.
So the Marriage Reset in particular is a program that has five modules, and the first one is one of the favorites. It's called "Your Love Story." So in this session, I guide you through your unique love story from when you first met each other to falling in love and becoming a couple. And I do that so that warm and intimate feelings are rekindled and that, uh, we can talk about integrating some of the special things that you used to do and say to each other back into your relationship.
And then there's a session called "Your Values." So in this session, we talk about your individual values. I guide you like if you have trouble kind of thinking of some words. I have a sheet you can like choose or add on. So we talk about your individual values and then I guide you through a conversation.
So you as a couple can choose two or three values that you want to have in your relationship so that you are more aligned with each other, and that you have a guide as a couple when making decisions. Then there's a session called "Having Fun and Making Memories." So in this one, we reminisce about times when the two of you had fun and memorable times together, and the whole purpose for that is so that you can be more intentional about creating more special moments with each other and creating like, you find out what your partner found really, uh, fun and you can create more of that for your partner.
Then another one of the favorites is the dating session. So in this one, I give you prompts to guide you in a conversation about what elements of a date make it very successful for you specifically.
And it's good to say these things out loud so that your partner knows what you know, maybe it's dressing up, you know, some people like to dress up and some people that's not important to them or going to a special dinner or to a show, like whatever it is. It's good to like say it out loud and know what your partner likes so that you could have more fun when you're together on your dates, and we even spend some time during that session implementing what you learn, and we do that by making plans for your next date, like actually doing it, getting something on the calendar, finding something to do so that you can experience the joy of dating, especially if it's been a while since you've had a true date.
Yeah. And then the final session is called "The Future You Want," and that's where I use some solution-focused principles in the coaching where you talk about your best hopes for the future of your marriage as you move into the future, right? We do that so that your hopes are more likely to become a reality because we've just like thoroughly talked about it.
Mm mm. It is so good that you have highlighted the most important parts, I think of this marriage reset idea. And anybody can go through this and really like make their marriage incredible, right? Or at least even a little better but it can just keep bringing so much more improvement to their marriage. But if somebody were to go through this with you, it becomes a very customized experience and with all of your expertise.
With all of your training as a psychologist, you know what to look for, you know about dynamics in a relationship and how to enhance them, right? And you have all these skills that are just probably second nature to you now. . Mm-hmm. , right? So what I think is so amazing is that you offer this as a very customized experience where people can do it as a retreat, like a, a whole one-day intensive sort of experience where you can walk away at the end of the day with all of these things tended to and nurtured and enhanced so that they can in one day transform their marriage.
Or you can also go through it week by week. And you offer these two different ways for couples to do this. Now let's say someone's unsure if their partner would actually wanna do this, what would you do then? All right, so I am creating an addition for one person in the couple to attend. Okay? So I would recommend for doing it that way, doing the week-by-week version so that each week you can experience one of the modules.
And then as you get to know me, tell your partner, tell your spouse about what I'm like, and what it's like, and then you can invite them if you think it would be a good fit for them to join. Just invite them along for any of the sessions that you want, you know, there's five, maybe there's some that, you know, your partner would want to do.
I also wanna say that sometimes a partner doesn't want to do it because they're concerned that I'm gonna be like asking details about their sex life or, you know, asking them to air their dirty laundry with me, you know, like talking about their conflicts and stuff like that. So that's not the purpose of the marriage reset.
The marriage reset is designed to sweeten your marriage to uplift it, not to talk about your sex life or conflicts. However, you know, we can go there. Like I'm just not going to initiate it. It's like up to you, your comfort level. If you want to bring that into the conversation, let's go for it. Mm-hmm. , but I'm not going to be getting into that.
Mm-hmm. , unless you wanted. Okay. I'm glad that you mentioned that because I could imagine somebody listening to this might be thinking, oh, I would love to do this. I'm not sure if my partner would though, and I'm, you know, if they were to come, those would maybe be some of the hesitancy they might. Be thinking and holding them back.
And we definitely don't want anybody to feel held back from sweetening their marriage. Right, for sure. Or their relationships. So, you know, that brings the question to mind. Could somebody go through the marriage reset who is not married, but they are together? Oh, for sure. Definitely, yes. Any couple, any two people that are in relationship, it's suited for.
For sure. Okay, wonderful, wonderful. And it can be, you know, it's for sweetening a relationship and that can be if the relationship is already good, but it's also for people where the relationship does have some conflict. You know? That's the reason. For wanting to get some help right now. Mm-hmm. , I'm just not going to ask you to tell me all the nitty gritties of that, so you just don't have to be worried about that.
Mm, mm-hmm. . So it can really stand alone as a service that you provide. And I'm imagining if there are some things that people do wanna dive into a little more deeply or a lot more deeply, they can extend their service with you as a marriage coach or psychologist. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. I should mention, um, Kristin is a licensed psychologist in the state of Connecticut.
So if you live in Connecticut, an interesting thing is coaching has become more popular that a lot more licensed therapists and psychologists are starting to add in the coaching into their businesses so that they can service people outside of the state and even out of the country as well. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing all of these wonderful, wonderful tips to help people feel equipped as they're going into the holiday season, which can stir up some anxiety, maybe some depression, some grief, some discomfort, comfort. [laughs] Yeah. On, you know, many levels. I feel like you really helped us have some hope.
You know, with the tips that you gave us for actually having those get-togethers, how to go into them in a strong way. Mm-hmm. , and for introducing how people can get help from you with the marriage reset as well, and what a beautiful service that is and valuable. Thank you. I should just ask you, why do you think this is so necessary right now?
Oh, well, I'm just acutely aware that marriages are struggling, right now. They just are, and relationships, whether you're married or not married, in relationship, people have been impacted by everything that's happened in the last few years, and even if their marriage is still, you know, pretty good these last few years have taken a toll.
So I want to provide a way for people to get help that's positive. So like so often when you go to see a marriage therapist, couples therapy, the therapist will start by asking like, how was your week? So that question, how was your week? Or how are you guys doing? That leads the couple to talk about the past and to in their minds, think about problems that happened during the last week.
When somebody enters a, a coaching session or a therapy session with me, I'm gonna ask them, what are your best hopes for us meeting together? So already in that just like beginning question, I'm helping people to think more positively and we go for the focus becomes what they want, not their problems of the past week.
It makes a big, big difference in how a session goes. Ugh. That is really powerful and such a small thing, which is I think why somebody working with you would be at such an advantage because you have all of these insights and all the skills and training to be able to notice all the nuances that happen just in the little things that we say.
Mm-hmm. , for sure. Yeah. Well, okay, so thank you so much, [laughs] Kristin, it was so great having you on today. And if people wanted to get to know you more, where can they find you? Yeah. Okay. So my website has tons of details about me and what I do. The website is the breakthroughcounselor.com, so in that website, if you go to the tab labeled the marriage reset, It tells you all about what we were talking about today.
I'm also on Facebook where I share tons of tips, and I've got lined up for December, a series called "Do Less in December", and I'm purposely doing this to help us all be less stressed and depressed during the holidays this year. So my Facebook is breakthroughcounselinginct, so the CT is like Connecticut Breakthrough Counseling in ct.
I also on my Facebook page, have a group, uh, Facebook group called "Hope and Tools", and all of your listeners are invited to join that. I'm also on Instagram and TikTok, but really Facebook is the place to find all my content. Wonderful. Oh great. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. It was such a pleasure, and I am so excited to be able to share this with my audience. So thanks again. You're welcome. The pleasure is mine.
I hope you enjoyed that time with Kristin as much as I did. I'm definitely going to be using some of those tips and I do wanna hear from you if you did as well. Kristin has another free resource that I wanna be sure and share with you it's called "10 Tips to More Fun and Intimacy" with your partner, so the links to all of these resources will be listed in the show notes, so definitely go check them out. They are really valuable as Kristin is such a great resource for helping couples. Thanks for listening and have a wonderful holiday season.
And if you are looking for more support, challenge, and inspiration in running your online business, I would love to have you apply to my mastermind.
Check it out! @jenargue.com
