It goes without saying that when you are running a business and you are involving others, whether it's on your team or your clients or other partnerships that you have going on that different personalities coming together can sometimes lead to frustration. And so today we're going to talk about how to navigate those situations that so often could just be avoided with a few simple steps. So listen in and learn some easy ways to avoid so many of those frustrations.
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I am Jen Argue, I have been leading masterminds for the past five years for six and seven-figure entrepreneurs, and I would love to help you start your own mastermind as well so that you can create a really big impact with those around you and work a lot less and make a lot more at the same time.
I was just listening to a conversation that was happening between different integrators and visionaries, and I don't know if you're familiar with that language, but it's part of the EOS system by Gina Wickman and there are very different personalities when you think about visionaries and integrators, and when you bring people with different personalities together, it can be a beautiful thing.
That diversity in talent, in skill, and temperament is what makes things work in profoundly amazing ways, but it can also really tank a situation as well if people are not equipped with the right skills to be able to get the most out of this situation. So let's talk about today how to get the most out of situations when you are interacting with others who have different personalities and different temperaments and different skills because we want those situations to bring the best out of everybody.
But so often we are coming into situations with our own baggage, with our own stories that stem from our past that we tend to generalize in a very snap type of way, a very unconscious way that can trip us up where it doesn't really need to. So let's talk about how to get around that, whether it's your clients, whether it's somebody on your team, whether it's somebody that you are partnering with, which could be as simple as having a podcast guest, having somebody come in and speak to your group, or working on an affiliate lunch, it could be anything.
With all of those interactions with all those different people, there are some general guidelines that will help you in all of those situations. If you've been listening for a while, you have probably heard me say the phrase, “Get curious, Not furious,” “Get curious, not furious.” So often when we get furious or even in a more socially appropriate term frustrated, which is a mild form of anger, there is something going on that we need to pay attention to.
And so the moment that you start to notice you getting frustrated or furious, I want you to pause. To be able to catch yourself and pause, and to, first of all, just notice. Notice the feelings that are arising in you, that are being triggered. Maybe you notice your heart rate is going up, you're getting hot, you're getting tense, and your shoulders or your jaw, or you're not breathing.
Whatever those things are, or maybe it's even you can't concentrate. So often when our emotions start to rise, it's hard to concentrate and so pause and reflect. Just notice what is happening in your body and let that be a clue to you to think about what story is going on in your mind that is feeding this response in your body.
And so take a moment and pause and think about it at its deepest level, anger, frustration, impatience, it starts with a story that you're telling yourself. And that story can be typically related to something that is not actually reflecting the current situation. Oftentimes, that story is very deep and it's rooted in our past in some type of interaction that we are projecting onto the current situation.
So to try and get a deeper understanding of where that's coming from is a very helpful, self-reflective type of thing to do. But on a more surfercy level, that is a reaction to how this story is coming up in us. On a more surfercy level, we just simply might not feel respected in a situation with somebody else, maybe they're late, maybe they're missing deadlines, maybe they are delivering something different than what you wanted.
Maybe they're not following guidelines. It could be any number of things, but for some reason, you might not feel respected or you might think that some boundary has been crossed. Maybe they are doing things that you didn't ask them to do and it's getting in your way, or maybe they invited somebody else into the room that you didn't want anybody else to be privy to that conversation, or maybe there was some type of assumption that was made since you invited him here.
Maybe they also feel invited into something else, or they're expecting you to do something else. I'm being kind of vague, but I'm hoping that you can insert whatever has come up for you in the past into these examples. There's also something that often happens when we feel this type of trigger is somebody is not acting in accordance to some assumption that we made in our heads that we did not express to somebody else. And so that non-agreement or disagreement with that assumption contribute to us feeling triggered as well.
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And so how do we get around that? And when those things happen, you might be thinking to yourself, but Jen, these things are just wrong. I wouldn't do this. Well, just because you wouldn't do this doesn't mean that somebody else grew up with the same values or were taught to have the same values, and the ways that they are responding is more in alignment with how they believe is right to be in the world.
And so we can't always put our values on somebody else, and so being aware of all these situations, unexpressed assumptions, unexpressed expectations, feeling like our boundaries are being crossed, or feeling like you're disrespected, whatever those things are, remember the phrase “Get curious, Not furious.”
Now let's dive into that part. What does it mean to get curious and not furious? Number one, let's go back to what I had mentioned earlier about pausing. As soon as you feel triggered, pause and assess the situation. Number one, what is the story I'm telling myself here? What is happening that is causing me to feel disrespected or frustrated by something else that somebody else is doing or not doing?
And just pausing to analyze that is really helpful. Another side note that I want to mention is to think about biologically what is happening with you as well. Is there is happening that's maybe low blood sugar? Are you having a low blood sugar moment, or where is it in your cycle? I'm just going to say it, [laugh] where is it in your cycle?
Are there past grievances with somebody? Just thinking about all possible angles is a really helpful thing to pause and reflect on, and to think about what you can do with that information. Maybe you can journal it, maybe you could eat something. I mean, sometimes it could be as simple as that.
Or just walk away and breathe for a moment. The next step if it's warranted, which usually it is…is to have a courageous conversation. Now, having courageous conversations is really good to get good at. [laugh] It's a really good practice to get good at, and a courageous conversation usually involves. Getting things out on the table with the other person in a curious, inquisitive type stance, not a judgmental or accusative type stance.
So whether it's an employee, co-worker, a co-founder, a client, or a partnership, this goes for everybody. So have an inquisitive stance. Really get curious, don't assume that since something happened last time, that the same motive is involved. Instead, let's look at what else could be happening. So oftentimes when somebody does have a very strong different sort of reaction than you're used to.
Something is probably going on in their life, and I like to take that inquisitive approach because if I feel like my blood sugar is checked and all the other things are checked that…okay…if I'm analyzing that I'm kind of stable, I'm kind of in the same place, but this person is just acting off in my perception, I'm going to start wondering what is going on in their life?
Do they have a relationship difficulty at home? Are they feeling frustrated about something that is happening between us with our work? Am I missing something? I want to get all these pieces out on the table because if you are trying to solve a puzzle with some of those puzzle pieces missing, it's not going to get solved.
And so having the courageous conversation is a way of getting all of those puzzle pieces on the table so that you have all the information necessary to be able to analyze how best to go forward and how to get the best out of that situation because I truly feel that most people need to be given the benefit of the doubt.
There's really typically a good reason for why somebody is responding the way that they're responding and is typically not a personal thing. And even if it is, it's good to get it out on the table and to be able to listen to both sides. And when you can listen to both sides, you are modeling how you want someone else to treat you.
If you can model being a good listener, being able to handle big emotions, being able to take constructive feedback, then. You are encouraging the other person to be able to do the same with you. I think that is a really healthy way to engage in all of the relationships. You really want a win-win because I have a background as a therapist and when I do premarital counseling, One of the things we often talk about is when you are in a disagreement about something to remember that the thing that you are in a disagreement about is not…between you if you were to picture a soccer ball as the topic of the disagreement.
It is not between you where it's either your perspective on it or the other person's perspective on it. Instead, you think about that soccer ball being in front of both of you. And YouTube both being side to side, looking at it together, trying to figure out what to do with this situation, what to do with this ball.
We're going to figure this out together because we are on the same team and we both want a winning situation here. And you're more likely to get a winning situation when you're both looking at it together as a team. And giving each other the benefit of the doubt that there is something that can easily be solved here.
And if not solving the whole thing, at least solving one part of it. Maybe there is one part of it, like if you think about it, like the layers of an onion. Just think about one layer now, and then think about the other layer later so you don't have to feel overwhelmed by it and you don't feel like it has to all get solved today.
But instead, you can look at one piece and agree on a good time and date to come back and look at the next layer and decide if you can do that layer at that time, or then set another date. I do find expressing your expectations for outcomes and deadlines to be really helpful, whether it's about whatever the topic is that you're discussing, or even just more in a meta sense, you’re working through of the dilemma.
Having a desired outcome and a desired deadline for that outcome. I find that very helpful. And of course, voicing it like we're talking about, having healthy communication, and voicing those things because we want to be able to not have anybody ever guessing. What's inside of our head because as soon as we expect other people to guess, we are not giving them enough information to guess correctly, and we don't want anything hidden.
We want to be able to give people the story that we are intending a situation to have so that they're not left up to their own devices to come up with their own. About something. So I do find that very helpful that when I am communicating with people from the very, very start to always give a reason why.
Let's have this done by this date. It's important because we have this coming up and we want it done by that, or because this fits within my value of being the best at what we do, or this fits within my value of being flexible. So we want this done, but we also want to stay flexible. So always giving people the why when you're early on in any situation is a really helpful thing to always start off on the right foot.
Another element in this situation is to know that this takes time. If you're going to have a courageous conversation, it's going to take time. So set aside not 15 minutes for this, but set aside an hour and it might only take 15 minutes, but at least you have this ease of not feeling rushed in this type of situation, you feel the ease and the time and the space to be a good listener, to process, to be inquisitive, to get all those puzzle pieces out on the table, and that will help you to feel like you're doing a good job and not being rushed in a situation where somebody can feel that and not really feel like you respect them or how important this is that you're giving time to it, but maybe not enough time. Let's make sure and give enough time to a situation even if you don't end up using all of it.
I hope that all of this conversation helped you. It is important to work with people who have different styles and skills and temperaments because that's what makes a team the strongest, is when people who have all these differences can come together and work together in a very healthy way. All of these different skill sets are what makes a team powerful, and when you can come together in a healthy way, it builds trust, and trust is paramount when it comes to building a healthy business and a healthy team.
And you can't do anything without trust. And so doing these things from the very start, having these courageous conversations, staying curious, really being reflective and smart about how you set things up is going to build a lot of trusts right from the beginning, which will serve you and everybody else in a better way.
And the better you get at it, the less stressful it's going to be when you get into these situations where you are feeling something's off, something needs to be addressed, it's not going to feel as big of a deal anymore to bring it up and to address it very quickly. Using immediacy, using the moment, the moment that it's happening, just saying, I need to get some clarity here, or I'm a little confused…can you help me understand, or what's happening? [laugh]
Or, I noticed this. Can we talk about it? These are all really good ways to use immediacy, and it gets easier and easier the more you do it because you start to realize that there usually is a good explanation, and even here's a bonus tip…if you can use a lot of compliments, not everybody needs that there are definitely people who do not have words of affirmation as their love language, but a lot of people do.
And if you are not one of those people, it's easy to think that a lot of other people don't need words of affirmation, but I want to encourage you to go out of your way to give them anyway because a lot of people do need words of affirmation and so you can never not use [laugh] that too much.
I truly believe that, that people love to know that they are making a difference, that they do matter, that their work with you matters and that you appreciate it, and to even get specific about what you appreciate is really powerful. And to be able to couch something that you want to either know more about, you know, clarify and get clarity on couching that with something that really compliments them is going to bring down their guard and it's going to help them feel trust.
And feel appreciated that this conversation, this courageous conversation, is intended with goodwill. So I would add that in that that's a very important feature. So I hope that helped you today. Please let me know in the comments what stood out to you and what has helped you. I would love to know, and let's encourage each other to have healthy relationships, healthy teams, and healthy interactions with everybody we interact with.
Thank you so much for listening today. I hope that if you found value in this that you would subscribe to my podcast and share it with a friend and leave a review.
Thank you so much!
